Monday, April 28, 2014

The night time dance

I am sitting here, the house is quiet apart from the heatpump humming and music playing softly.
The house feels empty, like something is missing.
The truth is three things are missing, three souls who occupy this space with me.
I know I will hear the hustle of their footsteps rushing to the back door soon.
I will hear their voices.
I will be the recipient of hugs, kisses and tales of their night and day with their dad.
Bags of clothes will be deposited on the floor, usually left there.
I would usually grumble about that but when its a sign they are home after being away I seem to be a little more lenient.
Because its night time we will head to our night time routine really quickly.
Books will be read, stories told, teeth brushed.
I will do the dance I do each night, I work my way through their bedrooms.
I start with Easy-E, he is usually ready in his bed waiting for me, he will usually forget something and rush off at least once then rush back and pounce on his bed, snugging under his blankets.
He will look at me with those big dark brown eyes.
He will ask me to please read him a story.
I will usually do just that.
Sometimes a new story we have yet to enjoy, other time long time favourites will be plucked from the book shelf. He can often tell me those stories without me having to read a word.
Neither of us seem to mind that, its like they are our friends and we quite like to catch up with them.
After stories are told, hugs, tickles and me pretending to snore away beside him take up a few minutes.
The soundtrack of giggles completing the moment.
I will kiss his sweet face, I will tell him I love him, that he is my favourite "Shhh, don't tell the others".
I will tell him to have sweet dreams and I will see him in the morning as I flick off his light.

I then wander down to Miss La's room. She usually is lying there with a book in her hand.
Or sometimes in the middle of a cartwheel in her room (which isn't usually encouraged), or working on a dance move. She is a girl who is always on a mission.
Learning something, perfecting something,  always bettering herself.
I like that about her.
I sit down on her bed and ask her about her day.
We talk about things she is doing, friends.
We talk about plans we have, a hair-up we might want to try, a item we want to bake.
We mostly just chatter for a while. Touch base.
I always stroke her face.
She smiles in a way that causes about 50 dimples to appear, for her eyes to crinkle in joy. Her eyes are hazel, with bits of brown, green and an array of colours in between.
I run my hands down her hair and kiss her face.
I promise to wake her before I go to bed so she can go to the toilet again.
I tell her I love her (because I don't think you can say that enough) I whisper "You are totally my favourite, don't tell the others".

I make my way to Big mans room, he is older now, pre teen at its best.
Usually on his bed with ipod in hand, or some nights scrambling to finish homework he should have done earlier.
I catch up with him, we be silly, tell a joke.
Act the fool.
He has the biggest milk chocolate brown eyes, they sparkle when he laughs, he smiles big, there is no denying his happiness.
I sit on the edge of his bed.
We talk about his day, my day (he always asks).
I tell him how much I love him.
He always kisses me.
He tells me he loves me.
I tell him back.
I stoke his hair and tell him I will see him tomorrow.
He says goodnight.
He usually stays up little later in his room (perks of being older), other night he says he is so tired and just needs to sleep.
I walk out whispering the "you might just be my favourite" comment and pull his door shut til my knuckles almost hit the door frame (his exact instructions, just how he likes it). Just a small amount of lights makes it to his room.

I breathe a little deeper, knowing my kids are all in their beds.
They are all my favourites.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

February in books (8-11/75)

February was a slow reading month.
I wasn't feeling great and I was struggling to make the time to read when I was so tired.

But here are the February reads.

Charlotte's web - E.B White

Another "classic" ticked off the list. It is a sweet little story.

Dreams of a dark warrior (Immortals after dark #11) - Kresley Cole

I find these kinds of series to be just so easy to read and awesome mind fluff. Are they life changing? heck no. But I love them.

True red - Isaac Tuhoe "Bruno"

This book was a random choice. My mum purchased this book off the author himself a couple of years ago when he was travelling around telling his story. I did find the book interesting. Learning a little more about gang life in New Zealand. I don't want to say I "enjoyed" the book but it was eye opening.
This man has done some pretty bad things in his life but has now turned his life around and is trying to make positive change.

Singin' and swingin' and gettin' merry like Christmas - Maya Angelou

I am really enjoying Maya Angelou's autobiography's. I wanted to spend some of my reading time to learn about people who have intrigued me or who I just want to know more about how they ended up where they did. Maya's stories do not disappoint. She truly has lived a big life.

Friday, February 21, 2014

To my dear little human

To my dear little human

I am your mum. I love you more than words can express.
BUT I will also do the tough love. I will follow through with consequences and I will teach you that the world doesn't owe you anything. I am not here to make your every wish come true. I am not here with the sole purpose of making you happy.

i am here to guide you. To teach you. To encourage you. To dust you off when you fall. To love you. But I am not here to make you happy all the time.

I see all that you are capable of being and I will do all i can to get you there but you have to do your share too.

I am not sorry you got so mad that you ran away for a while today.
I am however proud that you came back with a much better attitude on and have accepted the consequence that made you mad, because you knew it was coming.

Much love

Tuesday, February 4, 2014


random cake pic for a picture-less post.

Do you gossip?
If so does it ever bother you?

I am not a big gossip. I have been aware of gossip and how it makes me feel horrible for some time now and because of that I make a real effort to not do it often.

Because after a gossip session with a friend I always feel really bad.
I feel guilty and disappointing in myself.

I have enough things in my life to concentrate conversation on.
I find my my friends really interesting and surely have enough things to talk about.
So why is it so easy to let conversation slip to gossip?

I am not a nasty person. I don't talk horribly about people.
But I do sometimes find I end up talking to one friend about what another friend is up to.
Or a topic will lead me to tell about a story another friend told me.
Or I will tell a friend about how I am worried about so and so.
OR I let another friend talk about someone else, possibly in a negative manner.

Not overly bad things. But still gossip.
It is not my place to tell my friends stories, or if I feel like its a really important thing to say make sure its not obvious who I am talking about. You know the "I have a friend who went through that, it was hard but this helped her" type comment.

If a friend starts to negatively gossip I need to find a way to gently change the subject.

Maybe I need to actually make people aware that I want to gossip no more.

I don't want to be a friend who can't be trusted.
I don't want to damage friendships by over sharing their information.
I don't want this sinking feeling when I let myself behave in a way I don't want to.

Today I found myself having a gossip conversation.
It wasn't nasty. AT ALL. Or wasn't to me. But it wasn't my place to even reference this.
I came home and thought about it and that sinking feeling in my chest and I knew I was unhappy with how I had talked.
It is not who I want to be.


Do you gossip?
Are you even aware when you do?
Does it bother you?
Do you try and stare clear?

Monday, February 3, 2014

Randomness from a overwhelmed mumma

Reminding myself of this. 

This is a blog post where I spew words and see if they make any sense what so ever.

This past weekend was a long, draining one.
Something happened with one of my kiddos that threw me. It was a bit of a mishap. But it could have been worse.

 It was a new parenting territory. I was forced to look at myself, at my kids. Really critically.
Am I doing enough? Am I teaching them enough? Do I talk to them enough? Do I listen enough?
Are they going to be OK? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

A lot went through my mind and at lightning speed. My head was a swirling. It was unpleasant.

By the end of the day I was exhausted.
I was sad. I was overwhelmed. I was scared.
I want to badly to do right by these kids. I want to guide them through hard times.

Two days later I am still looking at myself and wondering where I can do better.
How I can serve them better.

I know I am lucky it wasn't anything huge.
I know parents handle far worse things every day.
But for me, it was a fright.

Being their mumma is the biggest blessing. I want to strive to do this job as best as I can.

As these kids get bigger the things I have to watch for, to talk about and things that happen are so much bigger, so much more serious. They are so much closer to being grown and their problems start to get more grown, their emotions are bigger and dealing with them is harder for them.

I feel so overwhelmed by these new stages.
I know I grow along the way with these kids. I have adapted to all the stages before this one and I will again. I just feel like this stage is a big one, one they will really remember. I don't want to stuff it up.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

January in books (1-7/75)

Book are one of my most favorite things.
I can get a serious case of geek out over books.
My house is scattered in books, my bedside table is always adorned with a stack of books. My kindle is hardly far from my side. I might be addicted.

I have read a wide range of books over the years and can enjoy most genres.
I do avoid mystery/thrillers though. Mainly because I read at night a lot and I have an over active imagination (read that as I think the murderer is going to actually show up at my house). You know how it is. Every so often I read one that I keep seeing pop up and I do enjoy it. I just know I can't read them all the time.

I read a bit of YA fiction. I love fantasy books especially paranormal fantasy (so cliche these days I know). I am currently enjoying some autobiographies, wanting to learn about people who fascinate me.

I especially love reading a good series as you get to know the characters over a longer period.
I often find a new author then read EVERYTHING they have ever written.
I might get a little addicted.

I document all my books read over on good reads. Please add me if you are that way inclined.

This year I plan to document what I am reading in this space more. I might even geek out once and a while.
I am not a reviewer, every so often a book blows my mind and I can write more but usually I just rate them.

In January I read:

The first three in the fallen series Raziel, Demon and Warrior by Kristina Douglas.
A friend suggested these to me over a year ago, I finally got around to them. I really enjoyed them and got through those 3 in less than a week.

The bone season by Samantha Shannon
The reviews for this book were popping up everywhere. I gave it a shot, at first I was unsure and I didn't read much in each sitting but after about 1/4 of the way in I was hooked and really really enjoyed it.

Alice in wonderland by Lewis Carroll
I am trying to read more of the "classic" or books that are on "must read" lists. I love the movies based on this so wanted to give it a shot. It is a lot of nonsense but I really did like it.

My stupid girl by Aurora Smith
I won the ebook for this from the review blog Coull critiques, it sat on my kindle for a wee bit then I got into it. I really enjoyed it. It was a bit predicatable in some ways but I liked the characters and I like seeing things like adoption and teen pregnancy being approached in books.

The betrayal of Natalie Hargrove by Lauren Kate
 I purchased this one on a clearance table about 4 years ago. Its been sitting there that long.
It was a nice easy read and I quite enjoyed it. I wouldn't rave about it but it was good.