This is the year I tackle a big issue in my life.
I have spent most of my life feeling less than.
Less than good enough.
Less than pretty enough.
Less than skinny enough.
Less than intelligent enough.
Less than pretty much everything.
I have such vivid memories of this right back as far as high school actually a few even prior to that. Never quite feeling like I belong. Not quite enough.
I believe less than has been a cruel and horrible part of me and has been a part of why I made choices I did.
I hate bumping into somebody I have not seen in ages because I feel less than. I judge myself so harshly (this is what started my thoughts on this today).
I think about how I am overweight, how I am dressed in yoga pants, how my hair is so overdue for a haircut and colour that I am wearing a hat to hide it (like I do everyday) even thought its so hot out, I think about how much I want to be good at something, to have something to be proud of being or doing.
I think about all the things I am less than up to par in. So much so that I don't embrace seeing someone. I don't let go and enjoy that moment because i am so busy judging myself.
I lose out in so many moments of my life because I am looking at myself with such harsh eyes.
I don't actively play with my kids in a playground because i am ashamed of how I look.
I don't embrace seeing people, in fact I avoid it all costs.
I avoid looking people in the eye.
I look at my feet as I walk around.
I don't go for things because I assume I am not good enough.
I don't take chances, I don't put myself out of my comfort zone.
I hide away because I assume I can't, won't, shouldn't.
Many of those things I think in that moment are true.
I am overweight.
I don't take good enough care of my physical appearance.
I don't have a job or a career or something that I can label myself as "being".
I have made mistakes.
I do feel shame.
I do feel at times regret.
Those things do not define me.
Being overweight does not make me a bad person.
Being less than gorgeous, not having makeup on, wearing yoga pants and jandles.
Those things don't make me a bad person, they don't change who I am. The fundamental truth of who I am is not changed by wearing less than flattering clothes, my weight, my crappy hair situation.
I need to approach things in a new way.
I need to work on being able to have positive thoughts in regards to myself.
I need to push myself out of my own head in these moments and back into the moment and live it.
I am not sure where I will begin.
I guess I can only be aware of this. Pull myself up when I find myself doing it.
Try and change my thoughts about myself to positive ones.
I am a good mum.
I am devoted to my children.
I love them with all of my being.
I am a good friend.
I would do anything to help my friends or family.
I try and do good deeds often. Just because.
I have many hobbies, interests and things I am passionate about.
Where I am right now.. it is OK.
Where I am right now does not mean my tomorrow or next month will not be even better.
Where I am right now is just a small part of my story.
Where I will end up is up to me.
Holding myself back and hiding away will not help me achieve and grow.
I do not want to miss out on any more moments because I am lost in my own negative thoughts.
I am enough.
I am OK.
There is good in me.