Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Lets get real. Depression.
for some honest and real writing.
I live with depression and a smidge of anxiety.
Sometimes I am not so bad. Sometimes you would not know I am struggling.
You won't notice that I struggle to look people in the eye. Or that walking into that crowded room is very hard for me. You wouldn't know my smile is a real effort.
But lately I have been struggling a little harder.
I have been a sadder. I have struggled to find the motivation to even get out of bed in the morning.
Getting through the day was a real effort.
I have described it in the past like living in a fog. I can't really see things clearly.
I can't really get where I need to go because I can't see where I need to go.
Last week I had a conversation with my youngest that was open, and in some ways really sweet.
He was just telling me how it is.
But it broke me.
It sent me into a downward spiral that I dragged a poor friend into.
But gosh that friend was good to me.
Showed up. Sat with me for a few hours.
Told me how wrong I was with my crazy ranting.
Then distracted me and talked to me. Laughed with me.
And let me steal the hug I needed.
It didn't make me "better". But at that point nothing could have.
But it made things easier. It helped me through the hardest part.
The viscous downward spiral.
It has been a week since.
It has been a really hard week.
I feel sad right to my bones.
Like I am full of it.
I am or have been shaking a bit.
I feel tingly and agitated.
I feel tired.
Every little thing I do takes real effort.
Concentrating is hard.
Not crying is hard.
That fog is there.
I am viewing life through that fog right now.
I used my quiet whisper like courage and went to my doctor.
I got the help I need.
I am working to get through this hard time.
I am planning to make things easier when it happens again.
I am grateful for my kiddos who keep on loving me even when I am being a little difficult.
For being the 3 reasons I need to get up each day.
Life is not easy.
It was never promised to be.
I know depression lies.
I know this fog will lift.
I know I will have a day soon where the sadness doesn't chill my bones.
Right now I am working hard to bring myself back to life.
Because inside I feel a little dead.
I wish it wasn't happening this close to Christmas.
Because this is by far the saddest Christmas already with our budget stretched so tight.
Mumma needs to be able to make and create and pull off something beautiful for her babies.
So please forgive my slackness while I sort myself out.
I hope I will be back here soon with festive posts and stories.